Harry's Wonderful World
by The Evil Cup of Tea
Summary: Now uploaded without the stuff that'll ban it (I think)! Read, review, or flame, just don't call me a valley girl!
1. All the beginning

UPDATE: Meh, sorry. I have to get rid of the review responses. If you want a response, then tell me. I still have all your old reviews saved, though, so no need to review again (unless you want to)  
  
TET: Hello, and welcome to Harry's Wonderous World! This is one of those retellings of the story in a humorous way. My inspiration comes from someone on FF.net with the penname of Sarah Noble. Go visit him/her.  
  
Anyway... Oh, right. Disclaimer, and narrator.  
  
Harry Potter is not owned by me  
  
If it were owned by me I would not be writing this  
  
But I seem to be  
  
Harry Potter is owned by Time Warner (I think)  
  
And JK Rowling for sure so I  
  
Do not own anything  
  
You must laugh at this thing  
  
But who will be laughing when you  
  
Get thrown into jail?  
  
TET: So... the last part didn't rhyme. ANYWAY... Today's narrator will be Ramira. She's the murderous killing- oh, wait...  
  
Akihiko: Ramira! Stop struggling! The sedative will calm you down!  
  
Rejirou: Stop! Rammy, are you listening! Stop struggling!  
  
Ramira: MUST... KILL... KELLY...  
  
Kelnyleran: Fish eggs! Random words! What else irks you, Rammy? Annoying people! Annoying phrases! Yeah! Here we go!  
  
Akihiko and Rejirou: SHUT THE HELL UP, KELLY!!!  
  
TET: ... Eh, heh heh heh... Akihiko, when you're done sedating Ramira, you're our narrator. For now, we'll just start the story... Ramira! Don't... No... Kelly doesn't mean it...  
  
-----  
  
---  
  
4 Privet Drive: sometime in the morning on widdle Duddykin's birthday  
  
---  
  
*Harry wakes up*  
  
Harry: Yay! *sits up and bonks head on ceiling* Oow...  
  
Dudley: (from above Harry) Wake up! It's my birthday! *starts jumping up and down on the stairs, which fall through*  
  
Harry: OOWWWW!!! Dudley, GET OFF!!!  
  
*Dudley bounces up and waddles into the kitchen, and starts counting presents*  
  
Dudley: One, two, three... Three... Um, ... Four!!! Yeah, that's it!  
  
Aunt Petunia: Ooh, my widdle Duddykins is so smart!  
  
Uncle Vernon: Be quiet, I'm simultaneously reading the newspaper and thinking of ways to get rid of Harry.  
  
Harry: *from his now-smashed cupboard* I'm not wearing this!  
  
Aunt Petunia: Duddykins wants you to, and it's his birthday, and anyway I don't give a damn about what you think so GET OUT HERE!!!  
  
*Harry walks in wearing one of those skimpy anime maid outfits, complete with the little head thing, and begins serving pancakes*  
  
Harry: I look like an idiot.  
  
Dudley: Heh heh, idiot. I want pancakes!  
  
*Harry gives Aunt Petunia two pancakes, Uncle Vernon four pancakes, and Dudley the other fifty-four pancakes*  
  
*Dudley eats all fifty-four pancakes*  
  
Dudley: I WANT MORE PANCAKES!!! MORE PANCAKES!!! *starts wailing and throwing tantrums*  
  
Aunt Petunia: HARRY!!! MORE PANCAKES FOR DUDDYKINS!!! *brandishes knife* GET TO WORK!!!  
  
Harry: o.O Yes ma'am... *begins cooking lots and lots of pancakes*  
  
---  
  
4 Privet Drive: after breakfast  
  
---  
  
Uncle Vernon: Now what to do... *idea strikes* AAHHH!!! MY HEAD!!!... anyway, let's go to the ZOO!!! We'll see all the lions and tigers and elephants and zebras and ooh, let's visit the BUTTERFLY HOUSE!!! Yay!!! *continues babbling*  
  
Everyone: o.O  
  
Dudley: Let's go to the zoo! And I would bring my friend except he's not in the movie and TET hasn't read the book in a long time!  
  
Harry: Yay! I wanna come!!!  
  
Everyone: NO!!!  
  
Harry: *puppy eyes* But... I baked you pancakes...  
  
Aunt Petunia: Fine, we can feed him to the alligators. Saves money, at least, and my widdle Duddykins will have a good time, yes he will!  
  
*Durseleys strap Harry to the top of the car and drive to the zoo*  
  
---  
  
ZOO: mid-early afternoon?  
  
---  
  
Dudley: Yay! The zoo!!! Yay, a snake!!!  
  
Harry: Kill Dudley, Mr. Snake, kill Dudley!!!  
  
Snake: *slithers through crowd, grabs Dudley, and drags him into the snake cage*  
  
Harry: *puts fingers to temples* Return the glass to the cage... Return the glass... Shazaam!!!  
  
*the glass is returned, because that's how the movie goes, and Harry runs home like a maniac and locks himself in his cupboard*  
  
*the Dursleys get home*  
  
Uncle Vernon: I know you did it. Get the mail.  
  
Harry: *gets the mail* Ooh, something for me!  
  
Uncle Vernon: *takes Harry's letter and burns it*  
  
*more letters fly through the mail slot, and Uncle Vernon burns them, and more letters come, and they are burned, and more letters come...*  
  
Uncle Vernon: THAT'S IT!!! WE'RE MOVING TO CHINA!!!  
  
Everyone: o.O  
  
Uncle Vernon: Well, that's my line, right?... no, wait, WE'RE MOVING TO AN ISLAND!!!  
  
Everyone: OKAY!!!  
  
---  
  
Akihiko: Well, I'm the narrator now. Ramira's gonna be fine. Anyway, the setting is now changing into the island, sometime at night. Now it's gonna be Harry's birthday. I mean, that's just stupid. Harry's birthday is right after Dudley's. Stupid.  
  
TET: Actually, a month has passed- I think.  
  
Akihiko: So Dudley's birthday is June 30?  
  
TET: Something like that. Whatever.  
  
Akihiko: Okay, setting is island, time is July 29 at night. Here we go.  
  
---  
  
Harry: *draws a cake in the dirt* Yay, happy birthday to me... *starts wailing, which wakes up Dudley*  
  
Dudley: Why'd you- hey, cake!!! *eats dirt*  
  
Harry: THAT'S MY CAKE, YOU IDIOT!!!  
  
*suddenly, the door bursts open and a giant guy walks into the room*  
  
Hagrid: No, this is your cake. *takes out cake and gives it to Harry*  
  
Dudley: CAKE!!! *takes Harry's cake*  
  
*Hagrid zaps Dudley into oblivion, and Harry begins eating cake*  
  
Hagrid: My name is Hagrid, and you're a wizard.  
  
Harry: Cool. *eats cake*  
  
Hagrid: Your parents got blown up.  
  
Harry: Cool. *eats cake*  
  
Hagrid: You only have five minutes to live.  
  
Harry: Cool. *eats cake*  
  
*Hagrid zaps cake into oblivion*  
  
Harry: Hey!!! Wait... What did you say about my parents?  
  
Hagrid: *sighs* At least I have your attention now. You are a wizard, your parents got blown up, and I'm Hagrid.  
  
Harry: I'm a wizard? Cool! *starts dancing and singsonging* I am a wizard! I am a wizard! Hey look at me! I am a wizard!  
  
*Hagrid grabs Harry and puts him in a giant picnic basket, which he hangs on one of the handlebars of his motorbike, and zooms off*  
  
-----  
  
TET: You like? Review.  
  
Akihiko: You hate? Review as well. I need some more flames for my barbeque, and TET needs some flames to burn up her super-ego.  
  
TET: HEY!!!  
  
Ramira: Ugh... Where am I? Where's Kelly? I need to kill her... Can I kill a reader?  
  
Everyone: NO!!! 


	2. Chapter Two?

TET: Yay, Diagon Alley!!!  
  
Nova: Interesting.  
  
TET: Weellll... Today I'm using a poem generator to write my disclaimer! You write the first line, it writes the rest! You can find it here (http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Poem/)!  
  
Mendel's Serenade  
  
Harry Potter is not owned by me  
  
My baby's Daddy is three times my age.   
  
And finally...with you...I'll be   
  
Withering through my lips of ages.  
  
Harry Potter is owned by JKRowling and Time Warner  
  
even if you don't see the point   
  
(Index Windex; the glass is cleaner)   
  
Not sponges, or head cheese or toe lint  
  
Nova: Neither of those made sense.  
  
TET: I know, isn't it wonderful?  
  
Nova: Let's continue with the story.  
  
-----  
  
---  
  
Diagon Alley: Morning  
  
---  
  
Harry: Ooh, lookies at the broomstick!!! I'm gonna be a witch, aren't I giant guy!!! This'll be just like Halloween!!!  
  
Hagrid: ^.^;; Uh-hm... Here, Harry, it's your key. We're going to get you some wizard money!  
  
Harry: Yay!  
  
*they enter Gringotts*  
  
Harry: @.@ They're all evil looking...  
  
*one of the goblins starts limping slowly over to him, arms outstretched*  
  
Goblin: Food... must... have... food...  
  
Harry: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! NIGHT OF THE LIVING HOBBITS!!!! (A/N: Another dead fanfic I wrote, that one was for Star Trek)  
  
Hagrid: Stop it.  
  
Goblin: Fine. Come with me. *they go to his vault, and Goblin opens it*  
  
Harry: Wo~ow... I'm RICH!!! *starts swimming around in the money*  
  
Goblin: *shakes head* Like father, like son... I remember that one time James almost drowned in there, remember? Yep, he had swallowed more than a couple of Galleons...  
  
Harry: Urk!!! *starts thrashing wildly*  
  
Hagrid: *pulls Harry out of the vault* Don't drown, Harry.  
  
Harry: Sorry...  
  
Hagrid: Anyway, now we have to get you a wand-  
  
Harry: YIPPEE!!!  
  
Hagrid and Goblin: -.-;;  
  
---  
  
Setting changed to Ollivanders: Mid-day  
  
TET: God, Nova, could you get any more boring?  
  
Nova: It's practical, not entertaining.  
  
TET: Exactly.  
  
---  
  
Ollivander: Here, try this one. I'm not sure what it's made of, but I've been trying to get rid of it for ages.  
  
Harry: Abra cadabra!!! *nothing* Hocus Pocus!!! *nothing* Bippity boppity boo! *nothing*  
  
Ollivander: Uhm... Try waving it...  
  
Harry: Oh. *waves wand like baseball bat, knocking Hagrid in the arm and breaking the wand*  
  
Ollivander: No. Okay. Try... this one.  
  
Harry: *swings the wand and hits a vase, smashing the vase and breaking the wand*  
  
Ollivander: My vase!!! Okay, okay, one second... *goes into back room*  
  
Harry: Ooh, this is so exciting!!! *squeals like a school girl*  
  
Hagrid: *rubs arm* You should be a Beater. *leaves*  
  
Ollivander: Here we go. Made of Steel, 2 pheonix feathers, 10 inches, inflexible. Now... *gets out a shield* Hit this shield.  
  
*Harry hits the shield, and little sparks appear as the two collide*  
  
Ollivander: Err... Close enough. Now GET OUT OF MY SHOP!!!  
  
*Harry and Hagrid, who had come back, exit*  
  
Harry: Where to now?  
  
Hagrid: Okay, I bought your books, robes, and hat while you were smashing wands. Oh, and here's an owl too. Her name is Hedwig, even though that was never mentioned in the movies and that's what this parody is based off of.  
  
Hedwig: (Smashing wands...? Why can't I just have a nice and good owner for once?)  
  
Hagrid: Now, get back in the picnic basket and I'll drive you to Platform 9 3/4.  
  
Harry: No! It's all messy in there! There's old sandwiches and things! Even I have some sense!  
  
Hagrid: *stuffs Harry and Hedwig into picnic basket*  
  
Hedwig: (Why me? A lunatic, a giant, and a picnic basket. What has the world come to?)  
  
---  
  
HARRY's DIARY  
  
Today was great! I got a wand, and an owl who keeps pecking me for some reason. I'm glad to be away from the Dursleys, even though all the excitement has made me somewhat idiotic. This Hagrid guy's the only thing keeping me from running around like a lunatic.  
  
I wonder what Platform 9 3/4 is. I wonder if they sell Cheesy Puffs there. Cheesy Puffs are good. I stole them from Dudley once. Yum, cheesy puffs... Or jelly beans!!! I love jelly beans!!! I love the orange ones!!! Yum, jelly beans...  
  
But anyway, since I'm a wizard... Hey, wait! I'm a wizard! I can fall and put a spell on myself not to get hurt! Brilliant!  
  
---  
  
Harry: Bombs away!!! *dives out of the picnic basket*  
  
Hagrid: *shakes head* Idiot. *dives after Harry*  
  
---  
  
TET: So, this one wasn't as funny. I deserve flames on this one, mark my words. It'll get funnier once Harry gets to Hogwarts. I just kinda ran out of ideas on this one. Sorry!  
  
Nova: Why was I a narrator? I haven't narrated anything.  
  
As always, review because I like reviews, and I like ___well thought-out___ flames! Well thought out flames and reviews mean well thought out authors, and I'm more likely to read your stories and review them! 


	3. It gets funnier, don't worry

TET: Okay, I completely forgot how this scene goes, and those online summaries aren't helping, so bear with me. How does he meet Ron?  
  
The best summary I found was from "http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/b/rowling.stone.shtml". A good one, but it unfortunately didn't help with my dilemma...  
  
Oh, now I remember!!! Okay, on with the story. No narrator; they're just annoying me today.  
  
-----  
  
---  
  
Platform 9 3/4: July 31/August 1/August 2... One of those.  
  
---  
  
Harry: Okay, now that I've calmed down from happy-go-lucky extreme, I'll look for an entrance to Platform 6 5/12 or whatever. *stops a conductor person* Excuse me, can you tell me where this is?  
  
Conductor Person: Uhm, no. Hello! All the platforms have big numbers over them!!! We're standing between 9 and 10, in case you're blind! I mean, seriously! Are kids SERIOUSLY THIS STUPID THESE DAYS?!?!  
  
Harry: *backs away nervously into wall between 9 and 10* o.O  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Okay, Percy goes first of course, since he's the prefect and so much better than the rest of you!  
  
*Percy holds his head up high and walks straight at Harry, who pushes his own little cart thingy out of the way*  
  
Harry: Hey! Don't crash into me!  
  
Percy: *stops, halfway through the wall* I'm a prefect, and therefore I am better than you.  
  
Harry: Well, I am Harry Potter! Well, except I don't know why that's so important, since I don't know anything about my past and... Uhm... What?  
  
Entire Weasley Family except Percy: @___@ .o0(Harry Potter//Harry Potter//Harry Potter)  
  
Percy: I'm still better than you. *walks through the wall*  
  
Mrs. Weasley: *recovers from daze* Oh, okay, Fred, George, you're up!  
  
Fred: I'm Fred, mother!  
  
Mrs. Weasley: No, you're not, you think you can fool me!!! Go on, George!  
  
Fred: Fine, mother. *runs through wall*  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Okay, Fred, your turn.  
  
George: Okay! *runs through wall*  
  
Mrs. Weasley: That's everyone. *turns to go home*  
  
Ron: Wait! What about me!!!!  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Oh... *turns to Harry* Would you like a servant?  
  
Ron: WAAAHHHHH!!! x.x *passes out*  
  
Mrs. Weasley: He's very dedicated and hard-working, like a super house elf, and he's yours for five Galleons!!!  
  
Harry: *shrugs, looking at passed-out Ron* Okay. *pulls out wallet crammed full of Galleons*  
  
Mrs. Weasley: @___@ .o0(Galleons//Money//Rich//Galleons//Money//Rich) *steals the wallet and runs off*  
  
Harry: Hey! You owe me all your children for that! *turns to Ron* Okay, let's go... Wake up, red-headed person!!! (A/N: Mrs. Weasley never mentioned his name, just called him a servant.)  
  
Ron: *sits up* I'm Ron. We should be on the train by now, shouldn't we?  
  
---  
  
Train: Sometime Later  
  
---  
  
Harry: Jelly beans... I really want jelly beans... But your mom stole my wallet...  
  
Trolley Lady: No money, no flavoured beans.  
  
Harry: GIMME!!! *drags trolley into compartment and (somehow) locks door*  
  
Ron: o.O Ahm... Ookay... Yeah... Can you pass me a chocolate frog?  
  
Hermoninny (as Viktor Krum pronounced it): Hi! I'm looking for a toad- ooh, candy! *sits down*  
  
Ron: @.@ .o0(Pretty Girl//Pretty Girl//Pretty Girl)  
  
Harry: Do you want some?  
  
Hermione: Oh, let me fix your glasses. Occulus repairus!!! *Harry's glasses are fixed*  
  
Harry: o___o Magic... Wo~ow...  
  
Hermione and Ron: -.-;;  
  
Hermione: Yeah, you're going to a magic school.  
  
Harry: I am? Hagrid didn't say that! Only that I was a wizard, and... Well, I was kinda too excited to put two and two together...  
  
(A/N: This is not funny, so I will skip ahead to getting off the train)  
  
Harry: Yay! Boats!  
  
*they row across a giant lake in boats, and Neville falls in*  
  
Hermione: And now we get to go in!!! I read all about it in Hogwarts: A History, though the version was somewhat outdated and blah blah blah blah blah house elves blah blah ballroom blah blah blah blah blah chinese temple bells blah blah blah blah really fancy and elegant blah blah...  
  
Harry and Ron: -.-;;  
  
Rhiannon: Hi, I'm another random first-year!  
  
Harry and Ron: Hi!  
  
Ms. McGonagall: Okay, let's go in now!!! *opens big doors*  
  
First Years: o__________________________________________o  
  
---  
  
Okay, some un-scripty description is needed here. Let's see, there's a checkered floor, purple walls, and an elevator in the middle of the floor for some reason. And let's not forget the scary-looking disco gargoyles and the knights wearing space suits.  
  
---  
  
Dumbledore: *rolls up to them in his inline skates, wearing a cowboy hat and a pink tutu over leather pants (no, no shirt which is pretty scary, believe me)* Hullo all!!! Welcome to Hogwarts!!! *does an awkward spinny thing and knocks into Neville*  
  
First Years: ()________________________________________()  
  
Neville: *faints*  
  
Dumbledore: Anyhoo, you all need to go to the food place for food! See ya! *skates away*  
  
Harry: *throws up* Urk... Ron... Help me...  
  
Ron: *is also throwing up* I can't...  
  
Harry: HELP ME, YOU GODFORSAKEN SERVANT!!!  
  
Ron: @.@ Eep... *helps Harry up*  
  
Hermione (who has stayed relatively calm): This doesn't look like it did in Hogwarts: A History...  
  
Ron: -.-;; Hermione, we need to get Harry to the hospital wing, not worry about a book.  
  
---  
  
Hospital Wing: During Dinner  
  
---  
  
Madame Pomfrey: Meh, all the first years do this. It's nothing important. Be glad you weren't born a year earlier: Dumbledore dressed up in a hawaiian shirt, hiking boots, and a thong.  
  
Harrytachi (also known as the Potter Trio): ()________________________________________()  
  
Madame Promfrey: Yeah, that was my first reaction as well.  
  
Harry: Well, let's get to the Sorting Hat.  
  
---  
  
Disco Room/Cafeteria: Dinner  
  
---  
  
Sorting Hat:  
  
I'm the legendary Sorting Hat  
  
Better Living through, within I hide, try to shout   
  
but young enought to bat   
  
it has no taint, hence it a herring?...No, a trout!  
  
First Years: ()________________________________________()  
  
Other Years: --________________________________________--;;;;;;  
  
*everyone is sorted*  
  
Harrytachi: YAY!!! WE'RE IN GYFFINDOR!!!  
  
Other Houses: ...  
  
Gryffindor: YAY FOR THESE WEIRD PEOPLE!!!  
  
Other Houses: ... um, excuse us, but we're here too...  
  
Dumbledore: *clears throat* Dinner is over. Everyone go now.  
  
*everyone leaves, despite the fact they had been too busy watching the Sorting Ceremony to eat anything*  
  
Snape (who is wearing normal clothes, save for the fact that everything's leather): *stops Harry Potter* I dislike you for some reason. The fact I am followed by a fan crowd everywhere I go is entirely your fault. I am going to make your life a living hell. *storms away, followed by a mob of giggling girls*  
  
Harry: Who was he?  
  
Hermione: *heart eyes* Professor Severus Snape... Sigh...  
  
Ron: Urk!!! No! You're supposed to fall in love with me!!! Me!!! *waves arms wildly*  
  
Hermione: Sigh...  
  
Harry: *gently* Ron... She's too far gone.  
  
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Quirrell (who is wearing his purple turban with little gold spangly things, a set of purple robes, a purple skirt, and 6-inch high heels): Hello, little boys, I am Madame Quirrell. *bats his eyelashes at Harry and Ron*  
  
Ron and Harry: o___o  
  
Quirrell: Don't be so stunned at my amazing feminine beauty, little boys. It is all natural, I assure you.  
  
Harry: Dude, you're a guy!  
  
Quirrell: Oh, silly little boy... *swooshes away*  
  
Ron: I think he likes you.  
  
Harry: Drop it.  
  
====  
  
Quirrell... What should I do with him? Or Snape? I want ideas from reviewers so I will still get good reviews ^_____^ Yes, I'm egotistical.   
  
Akihiko: My barbeque is going out!!! More flames!!! If you didn't like it, say so!!! If you did like it-  
  
TET: Then say so anyway, because I need to inflate my ego. ^___^ 


	4. Figgius transformus!

TET: My sister (the HP-obsessed person) is telling me a summary. Apparently, after Percy shows them to the common room and there's that scene with Hedwig and Harry (in the movie), they get lost on the way to Transfiguration.  
  
This one is co-authored by my sister, Cindydoll. Everyone say "Thank you Cindydoll!"  
  
---  
  
Transfiguration  
  
---  
  
Harry: Wow, we made it to the classroom, and we're only five minutes late?  
  
Ron: And there's no teacher here, just an abnonormally large walrus sitting on the desk.  
  
Walrus: Glorp, glorp, you failed all your tests, glorp, glorp.  
  
Harry: Hurry and let's find our seats!  
  
Walrus: *waddles to edge of desk and falls headfirst off, transforming into McGonagall as it goes*  
  
McGonagall: Owww... Anyway, you two are late, so I need to think of a proper punishment...  
  
Harry and Ron: ^___^;;  
  
McGonagall: I can take house points away, but that would be kinda bad 'cause it's my house...  
  
Harry and Ron: o___o  
  
McGonagall: And I could give you detention, except then I'd be stuck with you. So... I'll give you detention with Professor Snape! ^___^  
  
Harry and Ron: ()_____()  
  
Hermione: ^__^ Oh, you're soooo lucky! ^__^  
  
McGonagall: Okay, today you'll be turning figs into ferrets. Say figgius transformus and tap your fig once.  
  
First Years: o.O  
  
Ron: *starts tapping fig with wand* Figgius transformus! Figgius transformus! *fig transforms into edible ferret*  
  
Hermione: *who has done the charm perfectly* Ooh, an edible ferret! *takes ferret and starts eating it*  
  
Ron: Don't eat my ferret!  
  
Harry: When will this class be over? -_-;;  
  
---  
  
Aerobics  
  
---  
  
Flitwick: *bounds in wearing a red jumpsuit with pink stripes* Helloooo everyone! Let's start with jumping jacks, and then we'll move into sit ups!  
  
First Years: o_____o  
  
Flitwick: And one and two and one and two and one and two and one and two and c'mon everyone!  
  
Ron: *knocking into Hermione* And one and- Sorry. And one and- Sorry. And one and- Sorry.  
  
Hermione: Ron! You're so mean! *runs out of classroom crying*  
  
Harry: And one and two and one and two and this is so fun!!! ^_^  
  
Flitwick: Okay, now for running in place! And... One and two and one and two and one and two!  
  
Ron: I think I made Hermione sad.  
  
Harry: And one and- Oh, what did you say? *continues running in place*  
  
Ron: I made Hermione sad!  
  
Harry: Oh. One and two and one and two!!! *continues running in place*  
  
Ron: Why me?  
  
Flitwick: For homework, watch and memorize the entire Richard Simmons collection.  
  
Harry: Oh, boy! Isn't this great, Ron?  
  
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
---  
  
Potions  
  
---  
  
Snape: There will be no silly wand-waving or incantations in this class. (A/N: Amazing! My sister remembered this quote!) Instead, we'll be making potions! I love potions! Potions are so cool! ^___^  
  
First Year Boys: o____o  
  
First Year Girls: ^____^  
  
Snape: *clears throat* Okay, which potion should we make? How'bout... Love potions!!! Yay!!!  
  
First Year Boys: ()__________()  
  
First Year Girls: /\ __________ /\  
  
Snape: The ingredients are frozen Ashwinder eggs, daisy roots, bicorn horn, and shrivelfig, which you need to skin. Get to work!  
  
First Year Girls: I know who I'm gonna use it on! ^__^  
  
First Year Boys: ()__________() .o0( ... )  
  
Ron: Too bad Hermione's not here.  
  
Harry: I wonder if Professor Snape will pass out from all the love potions...  
  
Ron: I hope so... Then I can go start on my... Homework...  
  
Harry: *gets up and starts imitating Richard Simmons* And one and two and one and two!  
  
Snape: ... stop.  
  
Harry: *not listening* And one and two and one and two!  
  
Snape: Excuse me, Mr. Potter!!!!  
  
Harry: C'mon, Professor! Let's go! Everyone, all together now! And one and two and one and two!  
  
Everyone: ()____________________________________()  
  
Harry: *slowly stops and sits down again* Sorry.  
  
Snape: *clears throat* ANYway... GET TO WORK!!!!  
  
---  
  
COMMON ROOM  
  
---  
  
Harry: Look! A letter!  
  
Letter: Hi. Come and have tea. - Hagrid  
  
Ron: Who?  
  
Harry: Hagrid!  
  
Hermione: *comes back from her crying* Hello! What did I miss?  
  
Harry: Love potions with Professor Snape.  
  
Hermione: *bursts into tears* You didn't come and get me! You're so mean! *runs off crying*  
  
Ron: ANYway... So can I come have tea too?  
  
Harry: Okay.  
  
---  
  
HAGRID'S HOUSE  
  
---  
  
Harry: Woah, a mansion.  
  
Hagrid: *wearing a tuxedo* Hello, Harry! Come inside and have a spot of tea!  
  
Harry: Okay!  
  
Ron: Okay!  
  
*they go inside*  
  
Hagrid: So, how was your week?  
  
Harry: You have a TV! Can I do my homework here?  
  
Ron: Harry... No... Don't...  
  
Hagrid: Sure! ^___^  
  
Ron: ()____________() Why me?  
  
Harry: *pops in the tape and starts doing aerobics* And one and two and one and two and one and two and one and two!  
  
Hagrid: *joins in* And one and two and one and two and one and two and one and two! C'mon, little red-headed boy!  
  
Ron: *starts backing away nervously* Err... No...  
  
Hagrid: *grabs Ron and starts doing aerobics with him* And one and two and one and two and one and two and one and two!  
  
*video ends*  
  
Harry: Awww... Let's do it again!!!  
  
Hagrid: Yay!!!  
  
Ron: Err... Harry, don't we have classes or something?  
  
Harry: It's Saturday, Ron! We can work out all day! Yay!  
  
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry: And one and two and one and two...  
  
---  
  
Three Hours Later  
  
---  
  
Harry: And one... And... Two and... And one... One... One... And two... Must... Keep... Excercizing... With... Richard... Simmons... *collapses*  
  
Hagrid: And one and two and- Harry? Are you awake? He must've fainted from all the excitement. Well, I guess I should stop the tape then.  
  
Ron: *who has been sleeping* THANK YOU, HAGRID!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! *hugs Hagrid*  
  
Hagrid: Err.... Okay....  
  
---  
  
On Monday  
  
FLYING LESSON  
  
---  
  
Hooch: Okay, you all get on your horribly out-of-date breadsticks now.  
  
First Years: Breadsticks?  
  
Hooch: They cut down on funding. Okay, now kick off and hover there for a few seconds.  
  
Rhiannon: Fly! Fly! *kicks off and falls down, breaking her breadstick*  
  
Ron: I can do this... I lived through Richard Simmons... I CAN DO THIS!!! *kicks off and falls down next to Rhiannon, also breaking his breadstick*  
  
Neville: Yay! I'm FLYING!!! *falls down and breaks his wrist*  
  
Hooch: Oh. Again. I hate these breadsticks!!!  
  
Draco (who's in Slytherin, because there were too many people in Gryffindor and he's evil, but mostly because there were too many people in Gryffindor): Look! A cheesebrall that Neville dropped!  
  
Harry: *eyes go all heart-eyed* I want the cheesebrall!  
  
Draco: *starts flying around on his breadstick* Come and get it! *throws it*  
  
Harry: *zooms up on his flying breadstick and catches the cheesebrall in his mouth, then lands and begins eating the breadstick and cheesebrall*  
  
Walrus: Glorp, glorp! *waddles over to Harry* Glorp glorp glorp gl- *transforms back into McGonagall* Sorry. As I was saying, come with me.  
  
*they go to her office*  
  
McGonagall: Let me go get Wood.  
  
Harry: *grabs onto McGonagall's robes* Please don't hit me! I couldn't help myself! I need cheese! I need cheese!  
  
McGonagall: Did you remember to take your medication, Harry?  
  
Harry: *hangs head* No...  
  
McGonagall: Do that. *leaves, and comes back with Wood*  
  
Wood: Why am I here?  
  
McGonagall: *goes all starry-eyed* I have... Found you a Seeker!!!  
  
---  
  
TET: And now a message from Cindydoll, who will be my co-author for the rest of the story.  
  
Cindydoll: o___o Hmm... And one and two and three and four!!! ... I dunno.  
  
TET: Thank you, Cindydoll. Stay tuned for Chapter Five!!! Wow, this is really progressing.  
  
Cindydoll: Orange juice... Yum... *bites finger*  
  
TET: Err... 


	5. A New Seeker

TET: Thank you for reading this long! Wow, who'd've thought? Cindydoll's off getting the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone book so we won't miss anything important. Notice how the breadstick thing was the first mention of Draco... ^_^;;  
  
---  
  
McGonagall: I have... Found you a seeker!!!  
  
Wood: ... I already have a seeker.  
  
McGonagall: He's fired.  
  
Wood: But he's only a first year!  
  
McGonagall: So?  
  
Wood: But... But... I can't work under these conditions! I QUIT!!!  
  
McGonagall: 20 points from Gryffindor for each minute you aren't captain.  
  
Wood: Fine. I don't quit.  
  
McGonagall: *smiles evilly* Good. Now, train Harry.  
  
Harry: I can do a great Richard Simmons impression! And one and two and three and four and one and two and three and four and shake those thighs!  
  
Wood: ()_________() Uhmm.... Let's go, Harry...  
  
*they go out to the Quidditch field*  
  
Wood: The point of the game is to catch the little yellow thing while avoiding everything else.  
  
Harry: But I have to wait! I can't do this! I have no breadstick!  
  
Wood: Oh... Let's wait until tomorrow at lunch.  
  
---  
  
Tomorrow at Lunch  
  
---  
  
Hedwig: Hoot! Hoot! (It's not bad enough I'm stuck with Mr. Weirdo, now I have to deliver a breadstick without eating it!)  
  
Harry: Look! It's the owl that Hagrid bought me!  
  
Hedwig: (It's Hedwig! Hedwig!)  
  
Harry: Look! It brought me a breadstick wrapped in newspapers!  
  
Ron: Let's go to the dormitory to open it.  
  
Hedwig: (And... What about me?)  
  
*they leave to go to the dormitory*  
  
Hedwig: (That answers my question.)  
  
---  
  
Dormitory  
  
---  
  
Ron: That's a Nimbread Two-thousand thirty-six point five!  
  
Harry: *gasp*  
  
Ron: That's the best breadstick in the world!  
  
Harry: *Gasp!*  
  
Ron: I'm actually a girl!  
  
Harry: *GASP!!!!!*  
  
Ron: Just kidding.  
  
Harry: *GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!*  
  
Ron: Err.... Harry...  
  
Harry: Sorry.  
  
Quirrell: Hello, boys.  
  
Harry: Err... Hello, Professor Quirrell... Why are you in the Gryffindor Boy's Dormitories?  
  
Quirrell: Oh? I am? Oh, no! I can't be in here! I'm a girl!  
  
Ron: Err... No.  
  
Quirrell: *giggle* Oh, you're funny, boys! Well, I must rush along now!  
  
Harry: Good bye, Professor Quirrell.  
  
Quirrell: That's Madame Quirrell.  
  
Ron: Uhm... Of course, Madame.  
  
*Quirrell leaves*  
  
Harry: Okay, that was... Just strange. Let's go out and practice.  
  
---  
  
Quidditch Field  
  
---  
  
Wood: Now, Harry, you don't take your medication on the day of a Quidditch Game. Remember that.  
  
Harry: Oh, that's easy, I never take my medication.  
  
Wood: *backs away nervously* Err... Right. Now, look what I have in my hand, but I will eat it if you try to take it.  
  
*opens hand to reveal Snitch*  
  
Harry: *eyes become hearts* Cheese... Angel cheese... With wings...  
  
Wood: Good so far, now... GO GET IT!!! *releases Snitch*  
  
Harry: *runs around like a lunatic, trying to jump up and catch it*  
  
Wood: Use the breadstick, Harry!  
  
Harry: *starts swatting the Snitch with his Nimbread*  
  
Wood: No, fly!  
  
Harry: Oh!!! *throws the breadstick aside and tries to fly* I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!!!  
  
Wood: No, no, HARRY!!! STOP IT!!!  
  
Harry: *stops*  
  
Wood: Get on your breadstick, Harry.  
  
Harry: *gets on the breadstick*  
  
Wood: Now, kick off.  
  
Harry: *kicks off*  
  
Wood: Now, fly the breadstick towards the angel cheese.  
  
Harry: I understand! *starts flying towards the Snitch*  
  
Wood: Well, now. That took a while.  
  
Harry: *catches the Snitch and lands*  
  
Wood: Good, Harry!  
  
Harry: *begins eating the Snitch*  
  
Wood: NO! HARRY! DON'T EAT THE SNITCH!!! *takes the Snitch from Harry*  
  
Harry: *starts crying* Angel cheese... I want my angel cheese...  
  
Wood: Luckily... *pulls a slice of cheese from his knapsack and tosses it to Harry* I was forewarned by Professor McGonagall.  
  
Harry: CHEESE!!! *eats cheese*  
  
---  
  
Halloween: Two Months into Hogwarts  
  
---  
  
Hermione: Oh, Professor Snape is so pretty and handsome and gorgeous... Oh... So pretty... *heart eyes*  
  
Snape: *turns to Harry* Mr. Potter, I still hate you. You did this to me. I don't know how, but you did it. *stalks away, followed by a mob of giggling girls and Hermione*  
  
Snape: No, Miss Granger. I don't want another fangirl.  
  
Hermione: *starts crying* But- but I love you, Professor! *runs off crying*  
  
Harry: Oh-kay... Right. Now, Ron, look at Quirrell!  
  
Quirrell: *is wearing a blue sparkly dress, and a matching turban, and shoes, and scarf* Everyone! Help me! There is a troll in the dungeon! My weak feminine body cannot handle this stress! *falls over*  
  
Students: *PANIC* AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry: We must stop the troll!  
  
Ron: You're insane... Let's do it!  
  
---  
  
Over near the Girl's Bathroom  
  
---  
  
Troll: Urgh... Urgh...  
  
Harry: There it is! *points*  
  
Ron: Eeep...  
  
Troll: Urgh... *goes into the girl's bathroom*  
  
Hermione: *sniff* No one likes me... *sob* I hate my life...  
  
Myrtle: Now you know how I feel, honey. There's nothing to live for. Everyone hates me, too.  
  
Troll: Urgh... (Look! A little girl! Maybe if I hold her ransom, I'll finally get a role in the next book!)  
  
Harry: I must kill the troll!  
  
Ron: Hey, it's Hermione! Hermione! Over here!  
  
Myrtle: What about me?  
  
Ron: Err... *ignores Myrtle* Hermione, quickly!  
  
Harry: What do I do?! We haven't learned any charms this year!  
  
Ron: I dunno!  
  
Hermione: ... Idiots. Wingardium Leviosa!!!  
  
Troll: *gets bonked on head by own club and falls unconcious*  
  
Harry: Yay! I did it!  
  
Hermione: -.-;; You did it?  
  
Ron: Yep, I saw it with my own eyes!  
  
Hermione: -_____-;;;;; Really now?  
  
Harry: This calls for a celebration!!! Aaaaaaand......  
  
Hermione: What?  
  
Ron: o___o  
  
Harry: One and two and one and two and one and two!!!  
  
Hermione: Does *heart eyes* Snape do this?  
  
Harry: I dunno!  
  
Hermione: *shrugs* Close enough. Two and one and two and one and two!!!  
  
Ron: ()______________() .o0(Why me?)  
  
-----  
  
TET: Well, wasn't that fun?... Oh, a disclaimer. Right.  
  
Nothing here is owned by me  
  
Nothing here is owned by thee  
  
If anything here were owned by me  
  
I wouldn't be writing this, you agree  
  
TET: *bows* That _was_ all mine, by the way. And Cindydoll left halfway through this, so I wrote the rest ^.^;; 


End file.
